Step 1 - Set the Bait Out and Get Attention
"Here I am."
"I am a healthy and available female."
"You may come closer."
Here are the secrets for using your female flirting body language to capture the attention of the man YOU want. There are five (5) steps that will give you the advantage over all your competition for getting the best man available. Even if you are not presently interested in attracting a man -- because you already have one -- better read this anyway. Learn what the other women are doing to steal your man!
Female Body Language Step 1 in Flirting and Dating: Look Female and Available.
The first thing you must do is set the bait out. So find somewhere to sit where you can see all the men - and where they can see you. Spend the first few moments getting organized, or so it seems. What you are really doing is ensuring that the men notice you. You do this by MOVING with your special body language! Flirting Step 1 is all about getting attention with body language in order to attract males over for your closer evaluation.
Your body language movements should be always smooth, graceful, and feminine. Move slowly and confidently, like the place and the guys are all there just to watch you. Arrange your female possessions, straighten your clothes, swish or stroke your hair to get it 'just right'. Each move should signal that you are a healthy female who is alive, active, and very proud to be very female. That is what will get all the guys' attention immediately! They all will be watching your body language -- even if they are with another woman. Guys can't help looking because they are all ancient hunters.
Men watching you do your female attention-getting activities will actually increase their 'hunting and mating' hormones. Men are hunters and they love the feeling of capturing the prize -- be it wild game or a woman. Research with fMRI brain scans show good feeling activity in men's brain "reward area" when they think about hunting and capturing the prize, winning at gambling, or doing all those good feeling things to a woman like you. And it takes them only a few milliseconds to rapidly scan through the dozens of good feeling things they can do to you! That produces a fantastically good feeling in the reward area of their brain, all in a second or two after only a quick sight of a you doing your female body language.
Some background information on female body language:
Men are much more visual than women and get a hormonal surge just by looking at a healthy female -- either alive or in a photo. That is why pornography prospers as a man's target market. So smart women use many visual body language cues to attract attention with their bodies. And the things that gets the guys' immediate attention deal with sexuality! Women send five times as many sexual body language signals as men do. This does not mean women are more interested in the subject than men. Smart women just know what gets a man's attention fastest!
Hair flipping, swishing, combing and general preening plus a smile are the number one flirting female body language cues a woman uses to make men get excited. Other very effective female body language tactics are walking with exaggerated roll of her hips, relaxed swinging arms, chest out, and head held high with soft smile. Also she can tilt head coyly revealing her soft neck, lick lips, wear sexy clothes and jewelry, plus expose her soft skin on shoulders, upper arms, and back (and anywhere else socially acceptable). Men love to see a woman's skin! Clean, clear, and smooth skin is a sign of good health and that is high on men's desired traits in a mate to produce healthy offspring. So let the men know you are a healthy female and proud of it! Females have used body language to attract males for millions of past generations. These female body language tools are all 'man magnets' that you also can use for flirting -- or to keep your present man fascinated with you!
So now watch for a guy who has placed himself where he can see all the women. Definitely he is a 'hunter' in search of a mate. He is going to be watching for any woman with body language indicating it is OK for him to approach her. He holds great fear of being rejected so he must be careful in picking the right woman who appears available and safe to approach. He also wants to appear as a 'great hunter', therefore he will not 'hit on' women who appear generally undesirable to other men. So don't dress and look 'cheap' when you are out to meet men. Every male hunter wants to bring home a trophy. Dress and act like you are a trophy that every man can be proud of.
Keep Active.
Your goal is to look your healthy female 'best' and get noticed. Make sure you are seen. Keep moving around a lot. Every man's DNA is programmed as an ancient hunter, and he is especially alert to movement. So keep active, moving with quiet confidence and pride that you are a woman. Avoid holding your chin in toward your chest as this implies fear and weakness. Stick out your chin and your chest!
Every guy there will wonder what his chances are with you. So keep active, look good, appear available, and let all the guys know you are there. Discretely watch for the guys who appeal to you most. You are going to select the man you want! When you find him, do these steps as if you are the world's greatest actress and your career depends on doing it correctly. This is extremely important! Here is what you must do:
1. Catch his attention as he looks around the room and look directly into his eyes with a gentle smile. When your eyes meet, hold the connection a little longer than normally done. Do it definitely longer than when looking at other men!
2. While looking at him, think these thoughts so your face will be most inviting to him: "Come here big man, I am what you want and I am all yours!" (He might even read your mind!)
3. Then SLIGHTLY smile, and slowly drop your gaze DOWN to your lap or table.
· Researchers have measured the length of the average casual eye contact at about 100 milliseconds. The flirting eye contact lasts at least 150 milliseconds. Amazingly it is done unconsciously and very accurately.
· It is important to understand the strong message you send when you hold your gaze for longer than normal, then break eye contact and look DOWN. You are saying in powerful body language: "I am interested in you! I will not resist you! You may approach me! I am waiting for you!" I wonder how many men have fallen for that female trick over the past million years?
While you wait for him to approach you, immediately re-adjust your body to sit up straight and more directly face him with your arms not crossed in front of you. Actually what you are doing is ancient but effective female flirting body language: you will be aiming your breasts at him (i.e. displaying that you are female). That will not go unnoticed because his hormones will kick-in and he will feel unconsciously attracted to you more! Just sit quietly, look down, and wait. This ancient and powerful female body language signal is important for the guy to see. He is unconsciously looking for this ancient invitation posture because he has great fear of being rejected in front of everyone there. If he has not come over to you in 10 - 15 seconds, coyly look back. He probably is working up his courage. This time your 'actress look' and your mental thoughts are going to be saying, "I don't understand why you are not coming to approach me. I want to meet you!" Thinking these words will help to automatically form the correct look on your face. Use body language with slightly raised eye brows and a little tilt of your head. Your head tilted to the side indicates interest and a desire to understand. (Pets do this and humans love them for it!) If he is brave enough to still show interest by looking back and not breaking eye contact, increase your smile and drop your gaze down again and wait for him to approach. If he gets up his courage to approach you, then you are ready to click Step 2 below for the next exciting step.
Step 2 - Bring him closer for evaluation
"Come closer so I can see you better."
"Let's talk."
"I want to evaluate you."
Step 2 is to close the physical and emotional distance between you both so you can evaluate him. This is done mostly with body language in two phases:
· By him coming physically closer to talk with you.
· Both of you gathering personal data and finding common interests while you each evaluate the other.
You unconsciously read his body language as he walks toward you. A woman's DNA is finely tuned for watching every man's body language as he approaches her. Women have had to do this for millions of generations and make quick decisions to stick around or escape! The first and deepest instincts are to watch for signs of danger and possible sexual attack. The decision-making wisdom is in women's genes and they can detect danger a mile away by how a man moves and the look in his face and eyes. So you instinctively watch him walk toward you to see how relaxed, confident and comfortable he is in this social situation. You are unconsciously watching to see if he moves and behaves like the well socialized male is expected to be in your culture and society.
Your DNA is looking for these traits in his body language:
- Confidence and cool power as an alpha male. Posture and smooth movements tell the story. Head up, chest out and gut sucked in, plus no unnecessary arm and head movements are good signs.
- Health and aliveness. Should you two eventually mate, fifty percent of your offspring's chromosomes are going to be his. So his health is very important to your unconscious evaluation of him as a suitable mate.
- Alpha maleness. Clothes, accessories and car may give a clue. Rich is nice, but seldom happens, so stop dreaming. What you really need is someone who is capable of providing well for you and the offspring when you need support.
- Socialization. He should be comfortable and confident in this social setting. It is a sign of maturity and human true alpha maleness.
You observe he has good posture and very few extraneous body movements. It is good that he DOES NOT have a weird personalized strut or walk with arms flailing about and looking around to see who is watching him. It is good that his arms and hands are not in a protective position holding something directly in front of his stomach or chest like a shield. This open body language indicates little fear, honesty and that he is self revealing. It is especially good if he walks directly up to you with a slight smile on his face indicating, "I am friendly. I won't hurt you". His strong direct approach may even stimulate and excite you.
As he walks towards you, look at him from head to toe. If the light is right he can tell from a considerable distance that your eyes are scanning him fully. He likes that, but at that moment he will be mostly worried that you might reject him. So let a welcoming smile SLOWLY fill your face. Your smile will greatly relieve his terror of rejection by you. You will also start his hormones flowing now that he knows you are pleased to see him come closer. By the time he reaches you he will want to be jumping around with excitement like a puppy!
Check him out closely.
Let us assume now that he walks up directly in front of you. Notice if he keeps his social distance or if he invades your personal intimate space and makes you feel invaded. This check of his body language will be important to your analysis of what type of guy he is. Controlling, pushy and manipulative guys move uninvited into your personal space right away. Use caution with these guys and if you can't control them or get them to back-off, escape! You will save yourself a lot of trouble later.
About guys and their 'opening line.'
An 'opening line' is the first comment a guy makes to the woman he approaches. Most guys work hard developing an opening line. There is great fear that they will be rejected and will be made to look like a real loser or worse. This initial approach to a new woman is a terrorizing situation for a guy. At his deepest old brain limbic system level it is all about hunting, survival of his genes and proving himself as a great hunter. He feels like everyone there is watching to see how good of a hunter he is. So he does a couple of things to minimize the damage to his ego if he is not accepted or is publicly chastised for daring to approach! Here is what many guys do with their opening line:
· They try to be unique and show that they are not like all the rest of those 'dirty guys'.
· They try to be so clever that it impresses you intellectually and guarantees their acceptance.
· They try to be humorous so that if their approach to you fails, it will appear to be all in fun and there is no loss and no embarrassment.
· They try to impress you with a carefree and even rude approach with an attitude that you are not really important to them. Again, nothing lost to them if you say, "Buzz-off, Buster!"
· Some guys try to shock you so you can't even respond. Example: "Nice shoes! Let's f...!" You should escape fast from these vulgar clueless guys!
The uncountable bad opening lines used in the past all attest to the fact that this is an extremely stressful situation for a guy. At this moment the woman has the power to destroy his ego and make him look like the worst kind of loser in front of all the other men and women there. Rejection in front of everyone there is what men fear most when approaching a woman in a public place.
So if he is doing his male body language right, as he approaches he will look into your eyes and with a pleasant gentle smile, he will speak to you. No matter what his opening line is, he should essentially say who he is (his name) and that he would like to talk with you. It is a very stressful anxious moment for him until you signal your acceptance of him into your space. He needs reassurance that it is OK for him to approach you, and that he is welcome to talk with you. Don't delay in acknowledging and welcoming him. Repeat his name if he gave it to you. If he did not give you his name, ask him for it and repeat it often. That will make him really pleased and impress him with your interest in him.
Some women take advantage of this stressful moment for a man when he approaches them. They act resistive and indignant, putting him at greater stress and enjoying watching him fumble. Don't be that cruel! You have great power over him, for he is terrified that you are going to reject him in view of everyone and make him look like the worst scumbag-sleazeball on Earth. Make it easy on him and you will be half way there to making a new grateful friend. The first 4 seconds are the most important in making a good lasting impression on him. Welcome him with class and charm!
About shaking hands:
Whether to extend your hand first for a handshake depends on the culture and environment. Recently in the
- If he rotates your hand so his hand is over the top of yours (his palm facing down, forcing yours to face up in his) guess how he wants his body to be in relation to yours? This is a very controlling guy and he wants to "jump on your bones" right now. Watch out!
- Only the two hands equally vertical shows a sense of equality between you both. If both of you have your hands vertical, then the strength of the grip is most revealing here.
- Firm grip-- Has self-confidence. Takes care of self. Sincere.
- Weak grip-- Lack of confidence and insecure.
- Limp grip and arm-- Wimp. Needs a lot of support to get things done. Looking for a "mother".
- Swinging your hand side-to-side, instead of up and down-- Trying to disarm you for manipulation later.
- Also watch to see if he makes eye contact and smiles, at least briefly. These are two friendly good signs. You do the same.
- If his eyes disconnect immediately looking off to the left or right, he is disinterested (or afraid) in really getting to know you and investing much of his own honest self in you.
Letting him into your space and life.
Hopefully by now you have read enough of his body language to feel safe. So now you want to find out how interesting he is and if he has interests similar to yours. The talk should now center around data gathering and finding common interests. What you are really interested in, is how you each live your life in order to determine if you two have a good chance for long term compatibility -- or at least some fun together for a short time. That is your interest. Most likely all he is interested in, is how you look naked and how soon he can "climb on your bones". (Guys are wired differently, in case you haven't noticed!)
This communication process is more difficult than it appears, and it is the point where the connection between you both can abruptly break off. This may not be news to you: men don't think like women. Therefore to make the best impression on him (and maybe to even 'get through to him') you need to talk differently to him than you do to your women friends.
[NOTE: There is an interesting article explaining why women talk differently than men linked from the main page. Study it later!]
Summary so far in Step 2, Using Female Body Language in Flirting and Dating:
You have gotten his attention, given him a signal that it is safe to approach you and welcomed him into your space. Now you two must do some data gathering and find common ground on which to build a continuing relationship. Your evaluation of him will be based mostly on his body language. He will also be watching your body language, so use it to your advantage in the next steps.
Step 3 - Start building
"I see you and hear you."
"See me and hear me."
A relationship is starting! Your female flirting is getting results. So far he has approached you like a well socialized male and indicated that he would like to get to know you better. As you watched him approach, you liked his body language and his self-confidence in his walk. His chest was out, his head held erect with a soft smile on his face. He is clean and appropriately dressed. You know it took courage to approach you because at any moment you could reject and embarrass him. You like his courage and confidence to take a risk and come talk to you!
You understand that deep in your DNA is a need for a strong male to help you complete your biological destiny -- even though for now all you are interested in is making a new friend. So on your list of priorities in a male, at the top is a good relationship with an 'alpha male' in good health. The researchers call it alpha male or 'male dominance status'. To you it simply means that you want someone who is capable of taking care of himself and you in a mature, well-socialized and confident way. Alpha males see what they want and they confidently go after it. (You, in this case!) Such an attitude in a male implies that he can take care of himself, plus protect you and the kids. You like that!
(Read more on 'What Is An Alpha Male' later.)
Let him in a little at a time. But watch him!
Now that he is closer, you can read his body language much better and even watch his eyes and facial expressions change. These body language cues will give you a lot more information about him. You will watch his body language cues closely as the conversation centers around what areas of interests you two have in common. Watch if he creeps into your personal space closer and closer. Not good if he does. Escape when you can.
Men define themselves and their personal worth in the world mostly by their job or career. That is coming from their old-brain and is hunter-superiority being expressed. So let him brag about his job and imagined importance. It may reveal how inferior and insecure he really feels. And besides, he will think he is impressing you with his importance. Just listen, nod, and learn a lot about his true value to you as a possible mate. But don't believe a word he says. He is just telling "hunting stories" and strutting like a peacock doing his mating dance. This is just common male ancient behavior coming from male DNA. The more educated and socialized a man is, the less it occurs.
Women are more interested in how a man understands and treats them. Deep in the female limbic system part of the old brain there is always the question about every new male: "Is he willing and capable of taking care of me and the kids when we need him?" "Does he have the skill and resources to make a good life for us?" "Will he hang around after he gets what he wants?" These questions will never be asked openly, but they are there in the woman's subconscious mind every minute of the relationship. In women's DNA there is a high priority placed on quality relationships.
How honest and open you are with each other will determine how fast you close the emotional and physical space between you both. Let's assume that the friendly talk continues in a socialized way between you two. The discussion now progressively brings you both emotionally closer. You feel more comfortable with him as he seems to really listen to you. He doesn't try to impress you by dominating the conversation. He looks into your eyes as you speak and doesn't glance around the room at the other women. He even gives a little head nod and a verbal "uh huh" as he validates your statements. That is pretty exceptional because, compared to women, men tend to dominate the conversation, interrupt more, speak half as many words a day, make less eye contact, do teasing to show interest, and are more sarcastic and argumentative. So far this guy doesn't seem too bad in these areas.
While you two talk, you watch his eyes to see if his eye pupils (the center dark clear area) change size. Eye pupils will dilate (open larger) when people are interested or like you. The pupils constrict (close more) when looking at someone uninteresting or someone disliked. 
Much enlarged pupils unconsciously signal sexual interest! Watch his eye pupils. If they are large like these, you are doing great! Keep up the good work.
Is he 'in tune' with you?
When two people are disinterested or not well attuned to each other, their bodies sit or stand at angles to each other. At the right, notice that the man is facing her directly, slightly leaning toward her and has uncrossed legs. On the other hand, she is turned slightly away, legs are crossed and she is sitting back as far as the chair allows.
When two people are feeling comfortable with each other, interested and well attuned, they will unconsciously re-organize how they are sitting to more directly face and mirror each other. Notice how these two at the right are mirroring each other.
In this scene with the guy who approached you, check to see if the two of you are doing mirroring. Change your body position and see if he follows. If so, then for sure you are ready to move on to step 4.
Summary so far in Step 3, Using Female Body Language in Flirting and Dating:
You have accepted him into your space and he has acted well socialized. He talks and listens to you with interest and respect. He seems to appreciate a quality relationship. You both have found some common ground that you can share and use to further an on-going relationship. There are possibilities for future activities together in some of your shared interests. You have decided not to reject him and to further the flirting to the next step in this developing relationship. You are ready to move on to Step 4.
Step 4 - Advancing the relationship
"Let's get a little closer."
"It is OK to touch me."
So far you have given him all the right nonverbal body language cues to show that you are interested in him and you have accepted him into your space, for now. He also proved he could carry on a decent conversation, you share some common interests, and he is socialized and not weird. He has also showed interest in what you had to say and valued your opinions. So now you want to expand on that and share more personal interests with him. You see him as a really nice guy!
Take a giant flirting step forward.
At this point in the connection you want to come emotionally and physically closer, so here is what you are going to do. You may even do it totally unconsciously because it is wired into your DNA as a flirting cue when you want to get closer to a male. What you will do in Step 4 is very subtle, so make sure you do it right.
You are going to touch him.
It will appear casual, unpremeditated and 'accidental' rather than 'serious'. It may be a touch on the arm as you laugh at something he said, or it may be a pat on the back as a symbolic gesture of 'good job' after he tells a joke. In any case it is not accidental! Your strong DNA flirting program is saying to him, "I feel safe with you and I want you to come emotionally and physically closer." And consciously, or perhaps totally unconsciously, you will be looking and waiting for a reply to your daring nonverbal flirting body language message.
Watch how his body language replies to your message.
His response should be to accept your touch by an immediate slight move or friendly gesture toward you and a return touch. Moving away or not replying with a touch (ignoring it) would indicate that he is not ready to come closer, is afraid of you, or just plain 'dense' and slow in this mating game. His positive response (the one you are looking for) should be to return your touch with an equal touch. His response should be precise yet appear ever so casual. To increase the emotional connection with you he must reply in a very short time (usually in less than several minutes) with an equally casual touch, never stronger than yours. This nonverbal flirting body language implies an equality of interest and a feeling of safety. Your touch should assure him that you let down your defenses and have accepted him as being safe and interesting enough to let him get emotionally and physically closer.
You understand well that the quality of his touch is very revealing. Even more revealing than his body language! When you both do this touch and return touch correctly, your bodies will be carrying on a powerful body language conversation that says, "I like and trust you and I want you to come closer." This body language is often done completely unconsciously, because it is instinctual behavior carried in our DNA.
Some background information on this mating game
Touching is a touchy subject! It is highly programmed into our old mammalian brain core and limbic system which comes from our animal ancestors even farther back than vertebrates. Touch encodes a primordial sense of closeness. The way a touch is given communicates easily and instantly, because the touch sensors deliver the message directly to many parts of the brain. Tactile messages are some of the brain's most real and reliable forms of relating to others. Touch is one of the most important and enjoyable activities in flirting and dating. You can learn a great deal from the first physical contact with a new acquaintance. His or her touch actually probes beneath casual words to true feelings. Touching another's body is the evolutionary true test of the relationship status. Since there are so many tactile nerve sensors connected directly to the brain, touching is one of the most meaningful and pleasurable experiences shared between two people.
Touching is great fun
Your first casual touch, followed immediately by his proper reply, opens the door for both of you to come emotionally and physically closer for a lot more fun! This moment is a giant leap forward in the relationship. The natural course of action from now on is to increase the frequency and quality of the touch as you explore each other.
Women naturally have a quality touch, for they are programmed to nurture their offspring with tenderness and love. Men are more wired to throw spears, bust rocks and club animals or each other. A man's touch may be a bit crude and rough compared to a female's touch. Since the body's touch sensors are wired to so many parts of the brain, especially to the old brain limbic system, basic instincts are aroused with even a casual touch. Your touch (actually any female touch) probably is going to cause a moment of confusion in him. His old brain limbic system is going to interpret your touch message the way he WANTS to hear it: "Wow! Here is a female to help me spread my DNA genes around right now!" At the same time his newer brain cognitive areas are hopefully understanding and controlling the older basic instincts. Therefore, his response to your touch will say much about how socialized he is. A male may even ignore the touch because he is confused by the conflicting messages in both his old and new brain areas and, therefore, he does not know what to do. You may need to speak directly to his newer brain cognitive areas and say clearly what it is you want from him!
Men are mono-taskers and women are multi-taskers.
If you have been flirting and dating for a long time, you probably think that most men are basically just meat and bones machines with very simple ancient software! That is almost true, it appears. Recent research with fMRI scans of both men's and women's brains reveal that men operate mentally with much simpler thought processes. Women's brain scans reveal that they are much more complex and sensitive to the world and people around them.
At the left is a comical model showing the possible difference between a man (top box with only ON/OFF switch) and a woman (bottom box).
Summary so far in Step 4, Using Female Body Language in Flirting and Dating:
You have both become closer physically and emotionally by talking and discovering common interests. After a period of close observation of his personal appearance, manners, and body language you decide to let him get even closer. You touch him discreetly and gently, then wait for a similar touch in return. This discreet exchange of touching indicates both of you now understand it is alright to get even closer physically and emotionally. The way is open now for more touching in Step 5.
Step 5 - Let the passion commence.
"How close do I dare let you get?"
"Will I get what I need?"
Assume you both have gotten emotionally and physically closer, and that there is a point where you should kiss. (A kiss is just another way of touching. A really nice way!) Some people have screwed up the flirting game with guidance and rules that are all useless, impractical and unworkable concerning the right time for the first kiss - or not to kiss. The body language rule from DNA programming is this:
He will kiss you when he feels safe and he thinks that you will accept it. He knows that a kiss is "upper level persuasion for a lower level invasion". A kiss is his way of stimulating you for even more action. And of course it stimulates his body, too! This type of stimulation releases a flood of fantastic feeling hormones into all areas of the body.
But it takes courage for him to kiss you. He fears you may not want that, or that he will miss your mouth and suck your nose, or do something really stupid and embarrassing. He is wondering how you like it? Dry or wet? All kinds of thoughts and fears are going through his brain as he plots his strategy. This uncertainty gives him a surge of adrenaline and further revs up his body for action. The excitement of the chase after you (or any woman) is much like the same adrenaline surge in hunting. That is familiar and well-travelled territory to his old brain limbic system. The hormones that are released during the chase make his body excited, but his brain does not work really well under this kind of pressure. He is operating mostly on ancient instincts programmed in his DNA.
At this point fear of rejection is the only thing delaying him. To help him overcome his fear to initiate the kiss, his old brain limbic system will blast out even more hormones that will heighten desire and give him additional courage to take the risk. If you are ready for his kiss, you can help him with your proper body language: Move closer and look into his eyes. As you look deeply into his eye pupils, let your face and body relax as if you were 'melting'. Especially concentrate on letting the muscles around your eyes and mouth completely relax. This sends a body language signal that you are not going to resist him. You should look passive and receptive. (Incidentally, this 'melting face' trick (plus wet lips) is used by the top models to appear most appealing and sexy in their photos.)
If he is a little slow to catch your body language signals, lean more toward him to give him a whiff of your body pheromones. The smell of your hair will make his breathing much deeper, as he tries to breath-in more of your delightfully stimulating odors. Clean fresh sweat is the traditional ancient man-trapper, so don't fear the run-off after some fast dances. That is nature's gift to you and him.
His eyes will be drinking in the images of your moist skin, soft moist lips and your soft clean hair. You will look delicious to him and make him salivate! Don't try to talk to him now. His brain is racing like a car's engine going full speed, but with the gears still in 'neutral'. He wants to race to the finish line but at the same time is trying to appear cool and casual while he tries to figure out if you are really ready.
His first kiss planted on your lips (if his aim is good) is truly one of the best free thrills in nature. A surge of hormones will blast out of his brain to all parts of his body, gearing him up for more action. If it is one of those deep kisses, then he is going to receive some of your hormones that will make him dizzy and something in his belly will turn flips. His limbic system, which controls bodily functions like breathing, pulse, perspiration, etc., will kick in to overdrive. You will even look, taste, smell, sound and feel better to him, because some of his brain chemicals have changed his perception of reality. That is called 'love' by most people - and 'lust' by others.
And of course you will be going through your own fantastic range of good feelings as your brain pumps out hormones to all areas of your body. However, in women there is much more control from the new-brain frontal lobes to modulate the release of the hormones. This cognitive control is based on the realities of the situation and leans toward rational survival over the long term. While you are considering the long term consequences of getting too close, he is only picturing you naked and imagining how good you will smell, taste, and feel. "Long term" to him is 30 minutes. To women, "long term" is the period of pregnancy and raising the kids. Years!
Where does it go from here?
In the animal world, the mating and exchange of genes takes place about here in this 5 step flirting and mating process. However, humans in power throughout history have complicated the final mating process with numerous different rules about how this should be done. Different cultures and religions have tried to control how the mating is done for the maximum benefit to the whole tribe, community, or culture. Often, the cultural 'rules' violate all natural inclinations and destroy the ultimate beauty of the mating experience. These teachings have resulted in many people carrying loads of guilt, shame and confusion about enjoying their own bodies, let alone someone else's. Therefore the actual mating experience is highly influenced by each person's background, family training, education, religion and 'street lessons'. For many women, the message from childhood has been that boys and men should not ever touch them. Many women still carry that message and still can not enjoy the most loving caress, let alone enjoy their own raw hungry desire for much more.
The male at this point is ready to go as quickly as possible to the final phase of this mating process. He has 100 million sperm boiling to get out. Women generally have many more reasons for NOT doing 'it' than men can understand or appreciate. So when women put on the brakes to prevent pregnancy (or whatever), men can not understand why and don't want to hear why! With his testosterone running amuck at this point, anger and aggression come easily. Fortunately, in humans there are higher levels of intelligence in the newer cognitive brain layers that can negotiate out of this conflict.
If you are not going through with what he wants (i.e. 'sex'), DISCUSS what you want at this point in the relationship. Be sure to make it clear what you really do desire. Negotiate what your desire is for future connections - if there are going to be any.
Generally, in most cultures, at this early point in this beginning relationship the two people agree that they want to explore each other more. The process that humans have evolved for further exploration is called 'dating'. That means more outings together and further exchange of talk and general enjoyment of being close and compatible. Whether or not the two participate in sex depends primarily on the female's desires and acceptance of the guy. That is her right and it is nature's way for millions of generations. What she has observed in him so far helps determine her decision. Much to every man's chagrin, males must court and let the female select her mate based on her criteria.
The game can change.
Women have found it necessary to display their femaleness (i.e. signs of youth, health and fertility) to get attention from men. Nothing else works as well! To most men her display implies she is available and ready for mating -- but that is not true! Women do not jump quickly and easily into this final mating step. Women have practical considerations such as how to support the offspring and the male's relationship to her afterwards.
So this Step 5 and the actual final mating act is very complicated for humans. Animals have it much easier! They don't talk about it. They just do it! Of course there are some humans that act like animals, but they probably never have meaningful and loving relationships.
If you got to Step 5 with him, your best move at this point is to talk honestly about where and how you go from here. What you want and what he wants is really important to clarify if you are to create a rich and lasting relationship. If you two can't come to an agreement about what you will give and want in return, then it is best to abandon ship while you can still swim away.
If you do want to go all the way with him in this Step 5, make that clear. Men are terrible mind readers, so don't sit around and expect them to know what you are wanting, needing, or hoping for. Men's first priority (and often their only priority!) is to get rid of their 'load'. After an intense release of energy, men need to rest and probably will go to sleep. The sad truth is that you won't look, feel, sound, or taste as good to him after his intense biological drive has been satisfied. Don't be surprised to see a mood change in him (i.e. not so 'friendly'), unless he has been well socialized. There are uncountable disappointments for many women at this point in the relationship. They do not understand the realities of this ancient game of flirting and mating programmed in men at the DNA level.
If you are out just for some physical pleasure with no commitment, do yourself a favor and teach him how to be a good lover. Show him how your body works and what you like. Don't assume he knows! Most men don't have a clue (and don't care) how a woman's body works. A man won't ask questions when driving and lost, so do you think he will ask directions when trying to find your sensitive body parts in the dark? Duh, of course not! So help him give you what you want. Your effort may be well worth it in the long run!
Men are natural hunters and explorers and they especially like to chase, capture and explore women. You are unique and different from all other women. So now it is up to you to let him discover what an interesting, exciting and absolutely fantastic woman you are!
Summary so far in Step 5, Using Female Body Language in Flirting and Dating:
Biologically speaking, the final phase of this relationship has only one successful outcome to satisfy the old brain limbic systems of both the female and the male: To produce healthy offspring with DNA from each. However, humans with their new brain cognitive skills and creativity, have developed many possible outcomes. Every tribe, culture and religion has gotten into the act and prescribed what is acceptable behavior for the male and female. Some form of commitment for stability and care of the offspring is the usual accepted behavior, such as marriage. Even many animals commit to a pair-bond for life and joint raising of the offspring. At this point in our evolutionary development this system of pair-bonding (with or without legal documents) seems to work for both parents and offspring.
At least on the surface, the dating (and maybe mating) can be great fun and an important growth process for both the male and female. Enjoy it!
